[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
This is amazing.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night