[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.