Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
5 ways to appear taller
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.