I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Pot warmers of the day.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.