She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you know, you know
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.