[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
just having fun
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.