[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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Don鈥檛 mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I鈥檇 like you to recognize them individually.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I don鈥檛 normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: 锛凤讥 锛わ讥锛肌锛激 锛筹集锛碉及
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
It was worth a shot 馃槀
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT鈥檚 how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that鈥檚 a last date. That鈥檚 how people get murdered.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
professor x: what鈥檚 your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that鈥檚 stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man