beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Um … Hot Wings please
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.