Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.