Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Hit me in the face with a bird