Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
moms in horror movies
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’m sorry…what?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Battery falling down a hole
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.