Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.