Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management