Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
This probably isn’t good
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it