me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
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me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.