This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]