my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Mouse
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
*frowns in Scottish*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot