I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable