A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
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Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.