My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder