First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
guys i’ve cracked the code
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face