Stop sending me this shit.
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.