Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
s
oc
i
a
l
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: