Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP