Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK