[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton