I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”