[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Still a very good boi….
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.