Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax