*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.