I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.