What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here