Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.