[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Mountain Goat : )
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.