You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.