Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person