Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic