Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers