Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.