Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Good news
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
How does one answer this?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy