McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.