Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Unexpected Judgment
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I can’t stop watching this.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?