Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management