Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!