Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.