It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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When I laugh on my period
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The news is so predictable nowadays
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?