Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
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If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.