Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”