*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.