I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My dad.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Finally, a door that understands me
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.